Friday, July 2, 2010

First Lines from Bad Novels ~ Fabulously Fun Friday

I sincerely hope that none of you have ever penned a line like these...

  10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."

  9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

  8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

  7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: "Andre creep...Andre creep... Andre creep."

  6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

  5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."

  4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

  3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

  2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."


  1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

Okay, so fess up... What's the worst opening line you ever wrote? I searched through my WIPs and came up with this bit of boredom. "Damera, a baby-bag slung over her shoulder, brushed a long strand of dark hair behind her ear as she followed her husband through the auto-parts store." (Snore. :))
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  1. I don't know, I kinda like #3 and #10. LOL

  2. in order to get myself going with my very first novel, i actually did write, "It was a dark and stormy night."

  3. LOLOL....these were soooo funny! I laughed outloud at number 8.

  4. Oh, my! I don't know which one I loved the most! #8 for sure, and #2, and of course, #1.

    Thanks for the giggle, Lynnette!

  5. These are great! Unfortunately, #10 had me chuckling hard enough I'm not sure the other nine got a fair reading. :)

    So here's one I wrote...let's just say a number of years ago. ;-)

    "With practiced stealth, much trepidation, and amid the chest pounding resonance of thunderous snores, Sammy guided his sweating, tweezer-laden hand toward its intended target - the Godivaesque black hair rudely protruding from his grandmother's chin."

    These were fun to read.


  6. LOL, John! That sentence has me wanting to read more! :D

  7. Lynnette, posting any more would be just TOO painful. Thanks!

  8. LOL! These are giggle-great! Since I don't write fiction, I have nothing to share...thank goodness!

  9. Those were SO funny!

    All of my first lines stink...It's a general rule. ;) Then they get fixed up during the last draft. Haha.

  10. There's definitely something wrong with me. Except for maybe a couple of these, I want to read more . . .

  11. HAHA! Number 8 was definitely the funniest to me. I can't think of any of my own lines at the moment, will have to look for them :)

  12. I also used 'It was a dark and stormy night', in a comedic short where it made perfect sense. It's called 'Chasing His Own Tale.' These remind me of the Bulwer-Lytton award winners.

  13. This post scared me. Ten years ago, I wouldn't have known what was wrong with half of them. :-p My worst is from a story I never finished in 2001.

    "“Bootylicious,” Tami whispered, smiling."

    There is no explanation for this tragedy.

  14. Guy, I think these were in the Bulwer-Lytton contest a few years ago - not sure what year.

    Sara, Bootylicious! LOL Thanks for sharing. :)

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  16. Right, let's try that again, and this time without the typo *I am so ashamed*

    #10 LMAO!!! *ahem* Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Great list of howlers to avoid; advice duly noted and filed for future reference. :)

  17. Loved
    3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
    Pure poetry. Thx for the laff, Lynette!

  18. I actually really like #4! But the one about ripe tomatoes and cottage cheese made me feel quite sick. Eurgh.

  19. LOL'd @ #8 - 'Should have' defied description is more like it.

    #2 - That author shares my bad sense of humour. Be thankful I don't write comedy.

    #1 - As a first line, horrible. As a story unto itself, adorable!

    As a cartoonist, I exclusively write dialogue; all my pre-current sensibility writing has been filed & forgotten.