Children, today's topic is food. And not just any food, either. I'm talking about bad food.
First, we all know the (supposed) benefits of a healthy diet, a diet that's high in fiber, low in cholesterol, and with a paucity of polyunsaturated (why does that put me in mind of a parrot beneath an umbrella?) fats. I'm told such a diet will make one virile and handsome and able to lift a Chrysler one-handed. Yippee. Let us leave such people to their grazing.
No, what I'm talking about is a bit more ... elemental. Earthy. Sensual. In a word, tasty. Specifically, junk food.
What constitutes junk food? Is it food that's by definition terrible for your health? Sure, that helps, but not necessarily. For instance, I grew up in the South. For years I daily ate such fare as country ham (containing salt content on par with the Dead Sea), green beans with fatback, cathead biscuits, fried corn, spoonbread, chocolate pie, iced tea so strong and sweet a guy could chop a cord of wood after just a glass ... all manner of things that I'm sure would cause Richard Simmons to roll over in his grave (he is dead, isn't he?).
In my college days my standard favorite dish, owing to extreme poverty (not to mention congenital bad taste) was cheap Winn-Dixie chili mounded on top of cooked Minute Rice, all heated in a Mirro popcorn popper, and washed down with grape Tang. Even now, my mouth waters.
Today my favorites include such varied fare as chili dogs, Vienna sausage out of a can (don't wipe the jelly off; it's good), bags of beef jerky (or if I'm flush, kippered beef strips), salted peanuts in the shell, boiled eggs, and Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. Yowza. As the thread title says, darn fine eatin'.
So what say you all? Anybody like to tell what your secret ba-a-a-d foods are? Come on, spill. We're all friends here.
Far be it from me to tell your wife.
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