Monday, December 23, 2013

A Christmas-Season Dialogue


Donn Taylor

            Two days from now we celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus. The tradition in our home is to begin that day by reading aloud the story of His birth from the second chapter of The Gospel According to Luke, for that presents the genuine meaning of Christmas.

            Nevertheless, it is sometimes permitted to have fun with the secular mythology that has built up around the Holy Day. So it is in that spirit that I present the verbatim NSA wiretapping of a conversation between Santa Claus (S) and Mrs. Santa (M), which NSA has solemnly filed under the heading of "Christmas Pun-ishment."

S: Well, Honey, it looks like the calendar has this Christmas treed.

M: A bad pun like that makes me pine for a better one.

S: You're needling me again.

M: That's because you talk like a sapling. But Christmas is getting close. Do you have all your gifts planned?

S: (scratching head) I've had some ideas, but I haven't written anything down.

M: I thought you looked kind of listless. (Pause.) But tell me some of your ideas.

S: One corner of my workshop is designated a football corner. Have you seen it?

M: It has some strange things in it, but the strangest is that paper with writing on it. What's that?

S: It's a diet for that guy Pay Ton Manning. If he weighs that much, he needs to lose weight.

M: You've got it wrong, Santa. The name Pay Ton refers to his paycheck.

S: Maybe I should give him a wheelbarrow to carry the money.

M: A pickup truck would be more like it. But that corner also had a case of Jack Daniels. Who's that for?

S: The Tennessee Titans. You can't be a Titan without something to get tight on.

M: Very considerate of you. But what about the rope ladder you had made?

S: I'm giving that to the New Orleans coach. His Saints aren't having too good a year. After Christmas, his team can be called the ladder-day saints. (Pause.) But I don't know what to give some people--like that couple in Houston who plan to get married on Christmas day.

M: No problem, Santa. We're giving them two brooms.

S: Two brooms? Why is that?

M: So that after they're married they can sweep together.

S: That one swept me off my feet. I guess you saw the piano I'm giving to that musician in Austin.

M: He doesn't need a piano. He already has a Steinway.

S: Yes, but last year, he lost all his hair. Now he has to play a Baldwyn.

M: That gift is bare of all merit. Have you made any headway on getting ready for your trip, like preparing the reindeer?

S: They're all ready except Rudolph. I can't stand his wisecracks. Every year when I put the harness on him, he says, "Oh, Santa. You sleigh me!'"

M: He'll pay through the nose for that.

S: I've warned him: if he says it this year, I carve him up into cutlets and serve him for Christmas dinner.

M: He'll know he's playing for high steaks.

S: I thought the idea was well done. But speaking of my flight with the reindeer, I'm worried about the air traffic congestion around Houston International Airport. Oh, I forgot. They've changed the name to Bush International.

M: They've changed it again. Now it's called Houston Intergalactic.

S: That's an ambitious name. How do they justify it?

M: That's easy. The city of Houston has a habit of annexing prosperous areas nearby so they can increase their tax base. They like to plan ahead, so they annexed the Andromeda Galaxy.

S: That ought to get them some revenue by A.D. 3000.

M: But there's one last gift I'm curious about. In one corner of your workshop, I saw switches and ashes. Who gets those?

S: They're for a fellow named Taylor down somewhere in the Texas woods. Lately he's changed from serious writing into trying to write comedy. When you make a dumb switch like that, you're bound to make an ash out of yourself.

And a merry Christmas to all!

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  1. Too funny, Donn! I've always loved your wit and puns!

    Merry Christmas!

  2. Donn, Thanks! Brought a laugh early this morning. :)

    Merry Christmas!

  3. Donn, I love your wit! You had me chuckling all the weigh through this. ;o) The hubs and kid cracked up too. Merry Christmas to you and Mildred, my friend.

  4. Donn, I love your wit! We chuckled all the weigh through. ;o) Merry Christmas to you and Mildred, my friend! Hug her for me.

  5. Love it, Donn. Great way to begin the week. A little laughter never hurts. Give my love to your sweet wife.

  6. This is wonderful. It is too funny. It is hard not to try to mimic your wit. I have enjoyed attend many of your poetry seminars through the years at the East Texas Christian Writer's Conference.

  7. Donn, I are too funny. I have enjoyed you conferences/seminars at the East Texas Christian Writer's Conference for years.

  8. Being a "pun-lover" as long as I can remember, I sure enjoyed these! Merry Christmas!! :)
    Blessings from Georgia, Patti Jo

  9. Thank you Linda, Marian, Ane, and Jimmie for your kind comments. Of wit I can only claim 50%, but I try. Thanks again for reading and commenting.