Friday, April 18, 2014

Building a Platform by Kevin B Parsons

In order to sell a jillion books, you must first have a platform. What is a platform, you ask? It's a raised wooden deck.

I have no idea what that has to do with book sales, but perhaps you should stand on it and yell, "Buy my book!"

What you really need is a lot of followers. A LOT. A bazillion. Much more than a jillion. Kevin here will give you some clever methods to get the word out that you've written a blockbuster.

First, get Facebook followers, then cross over to every social media. Next, say something controversial. Something like, "I believe we should give monkeys the right to vote."

That will generate hype, and hype is good. You never know how many monkeys may end up buying your book, too.

The social media is going video, so make a great clip. If you can write and choreograph a killer song, like "What Does the Fox Say?" it will make you rich and famous.

Perhaps a song like, "What Does the Monkey Say?" Forget that. You already have the monkeys. Puppies, kittens and chocolate can take right off, so use one of them. Or all  of them. How about a song; "What Does the Puppy and Kitty Say When They Eat Chocolate?" That will generate interest! 50,000 people will contact you and tell you not to give chocolate to dogs.

And now (drumroll please), the three best methods to generate a MASSIVE following. Number three:
Have a close brush with death. It worked for Ronald Reagan.

He got shot and next thing you know everyone talked about it. Get some fake blood, a good friend, and stage a drive by shooting. He drives by, shoots at you with blanks, you bite on the blood capsule. Lie still. When  the reporters show up, hold your book just below your chin. They will love that! You'll be on the news. Don't forget bail money.

Number two: Fake your death. Start rumors that you're missing, presumed dead. It worked for Paul McCartney and for Mark Twain.


Who could forget Twain's great quote; "The reports of my death were exaggerated."? And wouldn't you want to be a Beatle?

And finally, the number one best method to generate a MASSIVE following is to die. It's worked for a plethora of writers, singers, actors and sports figures. Shoot, Elvis Presley brings in forty million a year even now, and Tom Clancy sold more books the year after he died than the year before.

I made that up, but I'm pretty sure he did. Of course, there's a huge down side to Number One, but hey, you're selling books.

So get out there and build your platform.

Better go to Lowe's first.

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