Tuesday, April 8, 2014

How To Spot a Writer

If you chance upon an author, you're in luck. Seeing writers in public is like sighting a gazelle in New York City. Using my simple tips, you may be able to catch a glimpse of an actual writer in public.

The easiest one to find is the Scholarly Writer. Look for button down sweaters with leather patches on the elbows and a pipe with cherry smelling smoke. Women Scholarly Writers stand out quite a bit.

Suppose you're on an elevator and two people are talking in animated voices about how to poison their spouses. Another scenario could be a couple of them at an outdoor table at a cafe, a glass of sherry in their hands, discussing the bombing of an airport. These are Suspense Writers, of course. Or very dangerous people.

Another species of this very unusual group is the Children's Book Writer. They can often be found carrying a bright yellow umbrella with a blue border on a sunny day. Listen the their conversation. If it sounds something like, "You could ride a yak... on  a tack... with a fellow named Jack," chances are good you've encountered the CBW. You may want to lock up your valuables and keep your kids within reach in case it isn't.

Should you see someone on the street holding a handkerchief and dabbing their eyes at regular intervals, chances are good you've spotted a Romance Writer. Look to the object  of their attention, and you'll see either a super hot male model with his shirt unbuttoned, an Amish woman who just fell off the curb while a handsome gentleman helps her to her feet, or a puppy. Sniff.

The easiest author to identify is the Perfectionist Writer. Quite easy to see, as they have square red marks on their forehead, nose and cheeks. That's from pounding their heads against the keyboard.

But the most common authors, simply known as Writes, can almost never be seen. They are hidden away in bedrooms, dens, family rooms, bedrooms and kitchens. If you can possibly get near their lair, look for them in the position. Butt on the seat, hands on the keyboard, eyes locked onto the screen. They may assume that position for long hours or days, occasionally coming out of their stupor for brief moments of food and drink. It's best to leave them alone.

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